life in my Big Yellow House

tackling domestication, one day at a time

thoughts inspired by a checklist December 2, 2010

Filed under: mental,personal,projects — dianarchy @ 8:21 pm
Tags: , ,

 

 

Bangor Bungalow: Winter: window-mania!.

Two things…

first of all, isn’t that checklist beautiful?

I realized that I have two big reasons for not starting projects. Yes, there is the fact that I am incredibly lazy. But in my head, I have beautiful ideas for this house, and I think if I actually did them I’d feel so much happier. Especially about this house. I am sort of suffering buyer’s remorse right now because I hate my house so much.

I hate it because I bought a house knowing I’d need to put work into it to love it; I didn’t realize that almost 2 years later I’d be sitting in this house with no projects done, resenting the place. And who wants to fix something they resent? I don’t. I just sort of hide from it as much as possible. I don’t invite anyone over, and I don’t devote any time or energy to making it better. I sleep here, I eat here, but I’ve felt more at home in some apartments than I do here.

I’ve avoided saying this for a while, because I feel like a failure. I feel like I betrayed the American Dream or something. This house is – at the moment – a smarter financial decision than continuing to rent. But right now, I don’t have a real compelling reason to have become a homeowner.

I always thought that it would be silly for me to get my dreamhouse as my first house. I see people my age doing that and I wonder if they have any idea what’s in store for them. I just think, “My life could change at any time. My job is stable enough to warrant purchasing a house, but not so stable that I’ll never move again (as in, I probably won’t want to do my job for the rest of my life, but I’m not in any serious threat of getting laid off).” At this point in my life, I don’t want to be tied to a dream house.

I just wish I’d realized, before buying this house, that it didn’t mean I shouldn’t love the house I do buy, in the mean time.

I also wish I’d realized that by not loving a house, I’m going to put off doing projects on it, even if those projects would help me to like my house more in the long run. I’m an instant gratification kind of girl.

These are the things you should know about yourself before you commit to a 30 year mortgage. So yeah, I kind of feel like a dummy for not realizing that about myself — supposedly the topic I know best — before now. Another reason why this topic has been silent for so long.

So I think I need a checklist.  A whole-house checklist, broken down into sub-checklists for each project. And maybe I can recruit some of my “roommates” into helping me with them. Or maybe I can’t. It’s my name on the deed, there’s no reason I should need their approval or their help. But it’d be nice.

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One Response to “thoughts inspired by a checklist”

  1. dianarchy Says:

    The other point (that I had at the beginning but forgot to make) is that my brain is going OH MY GOD I HAVE THIS HUGE RESPONSIBILITY NOW! There are SIX DIGITS to this loan. I better not do anything that might BREAK THE HOUSE FOREVER! So I have this fear thing of doing something wrong when I try to take on a new project. Like if I could just get over that, I might be doing much better.


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