life in my Big Yellow House

tackling domestication, one day at a time

Pre-engaged December 9, 2010

Filed under: mental,personal — dianarchy @ 6:28 pm
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If you read nothing else from this link, at least read this:

Don’t: Assume that I’m angry, bitter, jilted, lonely, sad or otherwise suffering. I count my blessings every single morning and night. I’ve found the love of my life and he loves me back. We’re planning our future together and spending as much as our present together as possible. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life. Assuming that I’m upset because I’m not engaged is frustrating, because I can’t convince anyone otherwise. The more I insist that I’m happy, the more people tilt their head with a sad smile and, while rubbing my shoulder, sighing “oh don’t worry sweetie, the ring is coming.” It’s as if they think the longer it takes to get engaged, the less he loves me, and the more delusional I am. Be kind to the pre-engaged and use this line instead: “I’m so happy to see you like this! You’ve found the person you want to spend your life with. It only gets better from here.”

Do: Please encourage me to talk to my boyfriend about our future and delete the word “pressure” from your conversations about that. Call me new-fashioned, but I believe that as an educated woman in my late twenties with my own assets, ideas, experience and opinions, I shouldn’t be waiting on my partner to make one of the biggest decisions of our lives on his own. What if I have expectations about marriage based on my religion, values or traditions? Shouldn’t he know that before he proposes? What if I want to be the one to propose? What if I don’t want to get married? What if I have some debt that I want to pay off before we make it legal? What if he does? I fully believe that if this is someone that I legitimately want to spend the rest of my life with, I should be able to talk to him about anything. Talking about marriage is not “pressuring for a ring.” It is creating a sustainable relationship. I am not a coy, blushing girl waiting for my over-the-top surprise proposal. I’m ballsy and strong and independent. He loves me because I’m opinionated, so why would I hide my opinions about our future? I don’t. Honesty isn’t pressure.

It’s reasons like this I read “wedding blogs” like APW and Offbeat Bride, and try to stay away from the blogs that tell women that they’re not good enough for whatever it is they’re selling.

 

thoughts inspired by a checklist December 2, 2010

Filed under: mental,personal,projects — dianarchy @ 8:21 pm
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Bangor Bungalow: Winter: window-mania!.

Two things…

first of all, isn’t that checklist beautiful?

I realized that I have two big reasons for not starting projects. Yes, there is the fact that I am incredibly lazy. But in my head, I have beautiful ideas for this house, and I think if I actually did them I’d feel so much happier. Especially about this house. I am sort of suffering buyer’s remorse right now because I hate my house so much.

I hate it because I bought a house knowing I’d need to put work into it to love it; I didn’t realize that almost 2 years later I’d be sitting in this house with no projects done, resenting the place. And who wants to fix something they resent? I don’t. I just sort of hide from it as much as possible. I don’t invite anyone over, and I don’t devote any time or energy to making it better. I sleep here, I eat here, but I’ve felt more at home in some apartments than I do here.

I’ve avoided saying this for a while, because I feel like a failure. I feel like I betrayed the American Dream or something. This house is – at the moment – a smarter financial decision than continuing to rent. But right now, I don’t have a real compelling reason to have become a homeowner.

I always thought that it would be silly for me to get my dreamhouse as my first house. I see people my age doing that and I wonder if they have any idea what’s in store for them. I just think, “My life could change at any time. My job is stable enough to warrant purchasing a house, but not so stable that I’ll never move again (as in, I probably won’t want to do my job for the rest of my life, but I’m not in any serious threat of getting laid off).” At this point in my life, I don’t want to be tied to a dream house.

I just wish I’d realized, before buying this house, that it didn’t mean I shouldn’t love the house I do buy, in the mean time.

I also wish I’d realized that by not loving a house, I’m going to put off doing projects on it, even if those projects would help me to like my house more in the long run. I’m an instant gratification kind of girl.

These are the things you should know about yourself before you commit to a 30 year mortgage. So yeah, I kind of feel like a dummy for not realizing that about myself — supposedly the topic I know best — before now. Another reason why this topic has been silent for so long.

So I think I need a checklist.  A whole-house checklist, broken down into sub-checklists for each project. And maybe I can recruit some of my “roommates” into helping me with them. Or maybe I can’t. It’s my name on the deed, there’s no reason I should need their approval or their help. But it’d be nice.